Billy Brown was our milkman, and old Dobbin his horse pulled the cart
Sometimes he’d get the bit in his teeth, and then he just wouldn’t start
Billy would holler, ‘Come on boy,’ but old Dobbin refused to proceed.
He’d stand there as stubborn as can be, a bit of a problem indeed

In the cobbled street outside my grandma’s, he took it into his head
And decided he wouldn’t go anywhere; he didn’t care what Billy said
In the commotion, kids gathered round to see what it was all about
Billy was getting frustrated, and then all the neighbours came out

My Grandma, a very nimble lady, came dashing out of her door
Rolling something from hand to hand, she created quite a furore,
She lifted old Dobbin’s tail up and slapped something on his backside
She hardly had time to put his tail down, and he took Billy Brown for a ride

A racehorse could never have caught him, just like he was shot from a gun
Poor old Billy was almost horizontal as they galloped off into the sun
Everyone roared with laughter, Grandma sniggered and nodded her head
‘With a hot potato stuck up his backside, he soon got a move on,’ she said.

When I was a boy I played with our gang, and we never had very much food 
Our clothes were tattered and torn, and we had to scavenge whatever we could
One of us would grab an apple as we sprinted past the greengrocer’s shop, 
The greengrocer never caught any of us, and of course, there was never a cop

You see the rest of our gang was across the street, shouting and running about
If the man had chased us, they’d have raided his shop the minute he had gone out
If we didn’t get an apple, sometimes it was maybe a potato now and again
He was probably sick at the sight of us and thought we were an absolute pain

Sometimes we used to play in the street, and if a horse and cart would pass through
Then Carol, the naughty little girl from two doors up, would pick up the horses poo
She threw it at my daddy and my daddy said: ‘Carol, you shouldn’t play with that dirt’
‘You’re stupid,’ she said, ‘that’s shite,’ and she pointed at the back of her skirt.

We found an old bike that someone had dumped, it didn’t have tyres or a seat 
Or a chain, and only one pedal, we tied rags on the crossbar, and boy that was sweet
So we went round the meadow and whizzed down the hill, I was on the handlebars,
Two other boys were sitting on the crossbar, and each time we crashed we saw stars

It was brilliant and it didn’t really matter if we got bashed up or we were in pain
We loved it so much, so the very next day, sure we did it all over again,
But the wheels got busted and broken, and we had to find new things to do
So we went up the glen and got branches for vaulting the river, and oh how we flew

There was one time I fell in the middle, and had to swim to the opposite side
When I arrived home I was still soaking wet, so my mum battered me and I cried
But the very next day I was back in the street playing games along with the boys 
Girls on their own were skipping and singing, just like us they didn’t have toys 

We certainly didn’t go playing with them, other boys would go taking the Mick
So we went up the glen and picked berries, then we stuffed them until we were sick
We hopped on a tram and sat on the bumper, then rode all the way home for free 
I have many fond memories of playing like that, it was heaven for our gang and me.

Marie was my guardian angel; I could always rely on her
To deal with every problem I encountered anywhere
She was so much bigger than all the rest of us
Bullies thought they had been hit by a number seven bus

No wonder that I loved her the way she cared for me
Oft times she would cuddle me or take me on her knee
She would often comfort me and wipe away my tears
She was my big sister and she looked after me for years

So many years have come and gone; we drifted far apart
Yet still, she had a special place deep within my heart
But news came just the other day that she had passed away
It made me feel so all alone, more than words can say

But I still see her every day so clear in my mind’s eye
As though she hasn’t gone completely; I sit and wonder why
We reach a point in life when our dearest friends depart
But still, we manage to survive despite a broken heart.

I was such a naughty boy when I was very small
I did some really awful things and never cared at all
Mum took me to the fairground and said that I could play
I really thought a miracle had come to pass that day

‘Well, can I shoot the rifle on the shooting range?’
I was gob-smacked when the man handed her the change
He smiled as he took a ‘Diana’ and loaded up a dart
And when I held it in my arms, I really lost my heart

That was in the summer and I plagued my mum each day
I couldn’t believe my ears when I finally heard her say
‘I’ll get you one for Christmas’ I could have jumped the moon
‘A Diana for Christmas,’ I thought and whistled a happy tune

Everyone in the gang was jealous and said I was telling lies
‘You’ll see on Christmas day, you’re in for a big surprise’
When I think of an air rifle in the hands of a boy of eight
Well, that’s not a combination that I would think was great

Christmas day arrived at last, and I ripped the package apart
Not a Diana…a Milbro Scout; that nearly broke my heart
When I saw it, I knew right then that it couldn’t hurt a fly
I went out: tears were burning my eyes and I wiped them dry

Tommy my next in command was bent over across the street
The patch on his pants was staring at me, a target oh-so-sweet
Pop went my gun; Tommy shrieked and then proceeded to do
A dance like Fred Astaire, he moved like he could have been two

I sniggered as I watched him, but I didn’t do that for long
A man passing by flew at me in a rage; so, I in a flash was gone
I ran so fast with him in pursuit, but he soon gave up the chase
I sat on McGee’s shop window, to rest that was best just in case

My breath was making clouds of steam, as I propped my head on the gun
Tommy cried because he was a sissy, I had only done it for fun
‘For being a baby, I’ll see the gang and then we’ll chuck him out’
That’s what I thought as I sneaked up the street to see if the man was about

The school windows were shining brightly in the cold winter sun
The first one broke to pieces the minute I popped off my gun
So did the second, and the third, then the gun was snatched by mum
And she gave me such a walloping, she really went into one

On Boxing Day, I told the gang my ‘Diana’ was taken away
They didn’t know a Milbro Scout had shot up the place yesterday
Tommy moaned and said how powerful a ‘Diana’ was for he knew
That giving a ‘Diana’ to a boy like me, was never the right thing to do.

We were all in agreement, as we were much too fat
So, my wife decided she would do something about that
We’d go and see a hypnotist, that’s just what we would do
Our friends Jackie and Mary said they were coming too

She booked it up for Wednesday and she was all excited
‘What about Jackie and Mary, do they know you’ve decided?’
‘Oh yes,’ she said, ‘that they do and they can’t wait for it.’
So, I glanced up at the ceiling and then I thought a bit

In the end, I did agree, it wouldn’t do us any harm
Then she fluttered her eyelids and gently took my arm
‘You know it won’t my dear; it’s bound to do you good
You know that you should cut down on your intake of food’

I went into the bathroom and stepped upon the scales
Yuk! Fifteen stone seven pounds with no top hat or tails
I pulled my stomach in but the scales still read the same,
So, finally, I resigned myself to play her silly game

Our friends turned up, Jackie smiled and then he glanced aloft
‘What a load of silly nonsense,’ I whispered really soft
Then we all got in the car and were chatting happily
And Mary said I was so strong, and it wouldn’t fizz on me

I smiled a reassuring smile and smugly thought, ‘She’s right’
I glanced around at the others, ‘would they succumb tonight?’
When we arrived, he ushered us in and we soon settled down
You are going to sleep, he said, and I thought, ‘What a clown!’

But my eyes became so heavy and his voice was fading so
The others started roaring with laughter, at what I didn’t know
‘Jim’s snoring’ Mary sniggered; I could hear her in my dream
When I came too, I was all alone and this man was really keen

‘You are an excellent subject,’ I was shocked to hear him say
The others? They were still sniggering about fifteen feet away
We left and I was still bemused, then Mary said, ‘Where to?’
‘What about fish and chips?’ I said, and they said, ‘That’ll do!’